To Rebel or Not to Rebel
Ah, rebellion. Good stuff. Fun times. You know, the feeling. That
“devil may care” sensation and the exhilaration of being “bad”.
Especially for us “good girls” that never do anything really bad, the
decision to “screw it” and just do whatever is heady and downright
badass. Pardon my French.
If all you can think right now is that my language is sordid and inappropriate, than this “blog” or rant-writing-whatever-I-do, is not for you. You have obviously never been through rebellion so carry on with your life and allow us rebels a moment to commiserate. I was moved to write this rather suddenly, feeling that someone out there needed to read this. If that person is not you, then don’t feel the need to finish reading. It’s past 1 a.m. so someone must really need these thoughts. I hope, anyway cause I should be in bed.
My rebellion was an internal uprising and it stemmed from some long held anger. I wanted to make God as angry as I was. I wanted him to “feel my pain” as the country songs say. I was mad from years of hurt, betrayals, and the silence that had grown between us on account of my anger. I was so distant from God, I thought being “bad” would make him strike me with lightning. I really wanted him to slap me and prove he was there, that he cared.
Sometimes we just get overloaded, overwhelmed, stressed, burdened, weary and completely done with things as they are. Irritation takes over and an idea comes, wrong but so appealing and different than our crappy reality. Life just isn’t what we want and maybe doing this, making a up little distraction, a little drama for ourselves will make a difference.
Rebellion is stupid distraction.
So we rebel. We go off and do something dumb, out of character to hopefully feel something other than anger, irritation and weariness. We just want some peace and rest, and we go about getting it in weird ways. We think it will be the fastest way to cure the problem, like popping a zit so it’ll heal, but it just leads to more blemishes.
"This command I am giving you today is not too difficult for you to understand or perform. It is not up in heaven, so distant that you must ask, 'Who will go to heaven and bring it down so we can hear and obey it?' It is not beyond the sea, so far away that you must ask, 'Who will cross the sea to bring it to us so we can hear and obey it?' The message is very close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart so that you can obey it. "Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between prosperity and disaster, between life and death. I have commanded you today to love the LORD your God and to keep his commands, laws, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and become a great nation, and the LORD your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy. But if your heart turns away and you refuse to listen, and if you are drawn away to serve and worship other gods, then I warn you now that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live a long, good life in the land you are crossing the Jordan to occupy. "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, that you and your descendants might live! Choose to love the LORD your God and to obey him and commit yourself to him, for he is your life. Then you will live long in the land the LORD swore to give your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.” Deuteronomy 30:11-20
Moses got it. He knew, that we would long to do dumb stuff for the wrong reasons. Such as doing something you know is wrong, like a bad choice that could possibly end terribly or hurt so much just for sake of feeling something other than anger. Or drugs and alcohol are options too.
End result? It hurt like hell. End feeling? God save me! It gets to be misery, pure misery and it’s all locked up inside, all mental, spiritual and emotional torture. For me that is... that’s how my rebellion went down.
You see I thought I’d be heaven slapped and I’d instantly shape up having seen the angel Michael pointing a sword at my throat and that God and I would be perfect again, on speaking terms like we hadn’t been for years. I did things contrary my nature, that I’d never done before and would never do now. I did stuff that no one approved of and other stuff I didn’t approve of because it felt good and it distracted from my mental stress of distance and anger at God. I knew I had to stop and backtrack, but I didn’t know how and God hadn’t appeared in a burning bush yet. I knew I had to get out and get on my knees. And yet that was the last thing I wanted to do. I was dumb and I was so emotionally strung out I didn’t know what came next.
Three things sang true through the fog: unexpected kindness, deep-seated truth and the law. I was so broken inside by my anger and blind decisions that any kindness physically hurt. A kind word, a hug, some encouragement, all made me cry at that drop of a hat and I don’t cry. Ever. Of all things to tip me over the edge and break my defenses, it was kindness. To this day, unsought kindness will make me run away in surprise and uncertainty. I needed someone to be kind and not judge, to just be a friend. Someone saying, ‘I love you’ or extending a hand when I felt too weak to even breath was more than I could take.
The deep-seated truth was that I knew what to do and once I did it, all the stress, hurt and irritation very slowly ebbed away. It was unknowingly replaced by an odd peace. A peace that made no sense, but comforted and sustained me daily when I couldn’t make it through a class period with tearing up. I was still a mess, made pitiful by kindness, but once I made the decision to follow Jesus unreservedly, back where I needed to be, the truth took over and made me immovable, even in my weakness.
The law came later. I sat alone in a Sunday service when the pastor spoke these words, which I wrote down and carry with me to this day...
“To walk in rebellion is to walk in flesh. To walk in honor is to walk in principle.”
To allow rebellion in our lives is to be weak and willful. To follow God, means doing it when you don’t feel like it. The sermon continued that the love of God brings us into the guidance of his law. The law is daunting and scary without the love and grace. We’d never make it or measure up without that grace. We’d never be drawn in without his love. I’m a person that needs structure. So seeing the laws of God before me that day as a pillar I was suppose to cling to, I was again re-rooted where I needed to be, firmly. Oh, I was smarting from my hard lesson learned, but I became firm and determined to follow Christ, until death do us reunite.
The law of God does not bend to our rebellions. We follow him or we don’t. We can try and rationalize our mistakes, jokes, detours and outright off-roading, but in the end we answer to the law. We are either with it or against it. It does not move.
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
So try as we might to defend our illicit actions and rebellious decisions, we know we’re wrong if we don’t line up with God. Our spirit will be miserable until we right things. God doesn’t just let go, nor does he smite us and be done with it. We have to live it and learn to walk the walk of Christ.
Pretty heavy, right? “Weight has nothing to do with it!” Except the weight on our souls and the burdening of a conscience we’re too ashamed to take to Jesus. Trust me, I’ve been there and I’ve made it back. The healing part is the longest and hardest part to get through, but also the most amazing and rewarding.
I didn’t get heaven slapped or smited by “Ye Ol’ Smiter”. Brimstone never fell and lightning never even flashed, but I found Jesus again just the same. I gave up the anger and am so much better off for it. Now I know my greatest friend better than ever and I believe we’re going to go “further up and further in” in this next year. He never ceases to amaze. He can do the same for anyone walking in rebellion, big or small, external or internal, nationwide or personal rebellion. He’s good for it.
"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, that you and your descendants might live! Choose to love the LORD your God and to obey him and commit yourself to him, for he is your life. Then you will live long in the land the LORD swore to give your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob." Deuteronomy 30:19-20
3/2012
If all you can think right now is that my language is sordid and inappropriate, than this “blog” or rant-writing-whatever-I-do, is not for you. You have obviously never been through rebellion so carry on with your life and allow us rebels a moment to commiserate. I was moved to write this rather suddenly, feeling that someone out there needed to read this. If that person is not you, then don’t feel the need to finish reading. It’s past 1 a.m. so someone must really need these thoughts. I hope, anyway cause I should be in bed.
My rebellion was an internal uprising and it stemmed from some long held anger. I wanted to make God as angry as I was. I wanted him to “feel my pain” as the country songs say. I was mad from years of hurt, betrayals, and the silence that had grown between us on account of my anger. I was so distant from God, I thought being “bad” would make him strike me with lightning. I really wanted him to slap me and prove he was there, that he cared.
Sometimes we just get overloaded, overwhelmed, stressed, burdened, weary and completely done with things as they are. Irritation takes over and an idea comes, wrong but so appealing and different than our crappy reality. Life just isn’t what we want and maybe doing this, making a up little distraction, a little drama for ourselves will make a difference.
Rebellion is stupid distraction.
So we rebel. We go off and do something dumb, out of character to hopefully feel something other than anger, irritation and weariness. We just want some peace and rest, and we go about getting it in weird ways. We think it will be the fastest way to cure the problem, like popping a zit so it’ll heal, but it just leads to more blemishes.
"This command I am giving you today is not too difficult for you to understand or perform. It is not up in heaven, so distant that you must ask, 'Who will go to heaven and bring it down so we can hear and obey it?' It is not beyond the sea, so far away that you must ask, 'Who will cross the sea to bring it to us so we can hear and obey it?' The message is very close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart so that you can obey it. "Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between prosperity and disaster, between life and death. I have commanded you today to love the LORD your God and to keep his commands, laws, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and become a great nation, and the LORD your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy. But if your heart turns away and you refuse to listen, and if you are drawn away to serve and worship other gods, then I warn you now that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live a long, good life in the land you are crossing the Jordan to occupy. "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, that you and your descendants might live! Choose to love the LORD your God and to obey him and commit yourself to him, for he is your life. Then you will live long in the land the LORD swore to give your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.” Deuteronomy 30:11-20
Moses got it. He knew, that we would long to do dumb stuff for the wrong reasons. Such as doing something you know is wrong, like a bad choice that could possibly end terribly or hurt so much just for sake of feeling something other than anger. Or drugs and alcohol are options too.
End result? It hurt like hell. End feeling? God save me! It gets to be misery, pure misery and it’s all locked up inside, all mental, spiritual and emotional torture. For me that is... that’s how my rebellion went down.
You see I thought I’d be heaven slapped and I’d instantly shape up having seen the angel Michael pointing a sword at my throat and that God and I would be perfect again, on speaking terms like we hadn’t been for years. I did things contrary my nature, that I’d never done before and would never do now. I did stuff that no one approved of and other stuff I didn’t approve of because it felt good and it distracted from my mental stress of distance and anger at God. I knew I had to stop and backtrack, but I didn’t know how and God hadn’t appeared in a burning bush yet. I knew I had to get out and get on my knees. And yet that was the last thing I wanted to do. I was dumb and I was so emotionally strung out I didn’t know what came next.
Three things sang true through the fog: unexpected kindness, deep-seated truth and the law. I was so broken inside by my anger and blind decisions that any kindness physically hurt. A kind word, a hug, some encouragement, all made me cry at that drop of a hat and I don’t cry. Ever. Of all things to tip me over the edge and break my defenses, it was kindness. To this day, unsought kindness will make me run away in surprise and uncertainty. I needed someone to be kind and not judge, to just be a friend. Someone saying, ‘I love you’ or extending a hand when I felt too weak to even breath was more than I could take.
The deep-seated truth was that I knew what to do and once I did it, all the stress, hurt and irritation very slowly ebbed away. It was unknowingly replaced by an odd peace. A peace that made no sense, but comforted and sustained me daily when I couldn’t make it through a class period with tearing up. I was still a mess, made pitiful by kindness, but once I made the decision to follow Jesus unreservedly, back where I needed to be, the truth took over and made me immovable, even in my weakness.
The law came later. I sat alone in a Sunday service when the pastor spoke these words, which I wrote down and carry with me to this day...
“To walk in rebellion is to walk in flesh. To walk in honor is to walk in principle.”
To allow rebellion in our lives is to be weak and willful. To follow God, means doing it when you don’t feel like it. The sermon continued that the love of God brings us into the guidance of his law. The law is daunting and scary without the love and grace. We’d never make it or measure up without that grace. We’d never be drawn in without his love. I’m a person that needs structure. So seeing the laws of God before me that day as a pillar I was suppose to cling to, I was again re-rooted where I needed to be, firmly. Oh, I was smarting from my hard lesson learned, but I became firm and determined to follow Christ, until death do us reunite.
The law of God does not bend to our rebellions. We follow him or we don’t. We can try and rationalize our mistakes, jokes, detours and outright off-roading, but in the end we answer to the law. We are either with it or against it. It does not move.
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
So try as we might to defend our illicit actions and rebellious decisions, we know we’re wrong if we don’t line up with God. Our spirit will be miserable until we right things. God doesn’t just let go, nor does he smite us and be done with it. We have to live it and learn to walk the walk of Christ.
Pretty heavy, right? “Weight has nothing to do with it!” Except the weight on our souls and the burdening of a conscience we’re too ashamed to take to Jesus. Trust me, I’ve been there and I’ve made it back. The healing part is the longest and hardest part to get through, but also the most amazing and rewarding.
I didn’t get heaven slapped or smited by “Ye Ol’ Smiter”. Brimstone never fell and lightning never even flashed, but I found Jesus again just the same. I gave up the anger and am so much better off for it. Now I know my greatest friend better than ever and I believe we’re going to go “further up and further in” in this next year. He never ceases to amaze. He can do the same for anyone walking in rebellion, big or small, external or internal, nationwide or personal rebellion. He’s good for it.
"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, that you and your descendants might live! Choose to love the LORD your God and to obey him and commit yourself to him, for he is your life. Then you will live long in the land the LORD swore to give your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob." Deuteronomy 30:19-20
3/2012
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