The Rabbit
I sat upright, shocked and dumbfounded.
You see, I am just a little girl, foolish, impulsive, uncontrollable and flighty. My pinafore dress is usually grass stained and there is dirt under my fingernails and I always have a lesson to learn. This exact moment of dawning realization, was tough to take. You see, I take my dolls out to my backyard where I have a palace of white plywood and blue trim. There I imagine all sorts of drama in my head. The situations and relationships my small brain creates would impress Dr. Seuss and Dr. Freud. My stuffed bears, my dolls, and a horde of imagination, we inhabit every land and every world possible on our fanciful days of make-believe. There was no stopping us. Lunch is a necessary nourishment break and bedtime is merely a century in hyper-sleep. They all go with me, everywhere. So being made to understand reality, was a slap to the face. Let me start at the beginning.
One day I learned to climb a tree. The large maple tree on the side of my house was soon under my ruler-ship and I climbed as high as Mount Everest. I could see into all the neighbors' worlds now as fences no longer hid them from me. I partook of my new expanded world and there, just before deciding I was pleased and issuing forth a jungle cry, I saw him.
Most wouldn't have cared, but to a world traveler, like me, I saw how much there was still in him. It was a stuffed Rabbit, velvety brown with glass eyes that met mine straight across the expanses. He told me with his eyes, “Hello, save me and I'll be yours”.
My little heart beat so hard I could have sworn it had whispered close to my ear. I pushed my hair back from my eyes and planned, calculating everything. The forlorn, forgotten, glorious Rabbit was imprisoned in a healthy evergreen bush in the neighbors yard across their lawn, across the sidewalk, across the road, across our side walk and my front lawn. It would be difficult, no, a mission impossible to retrieve the Rabbit undetected before the wide picture window right behind the Rabbit.
I started to climb down, to take my prize when I heard a voice.
“You can't have that Rabbit.” I looked around and suddenly felt terribly guilty. Behind me “he” sat, cool and fresh as a salad. He had dark hair and eyes and wore white that never got dirty. Have you met him? Some haven't, but whenever I'm in trouble, he always interferes with my plans.
“Why not?” my chubby baby fingers made fists that I planted on my hips. He glowed as always, which is why he has a tan. Angels always have perfect tans from the light upstairs. I saw he wore his sword and knew he was going to fight me. He stood up to his full 7' 7” and stared down at me, shimmering in an intimidating way.
“Because I say so.”
“But I want it! He's so cute!!!”
“Leave the Rabbit where it is.” He left instantaneously without a sound or flash. He'd be back, I knew it. I would be ready. The next day all my friends and toys lay forgotten in the palace or on the grounds of my courtyard. I sat in the tree, watching the Rabbit, who watched me. I knew that if it had muscle and sinew it would have walked to me. He would have joined me in the tree as fast as a bunny can hop. I had just imagined crowning him the bunny prince in my court when “he” returned.
“Leave the Rabbit alone.”
“I'm not touching it.”
“You're dreaming about it.”
“So?” You can't hide things from him so I stuck my tongue out at him. He thought he could talk me down. When he left, I was grouchier than ever.
The next day he caught me in the front yard, trying to see the Rabbit from the ground. He stood right in my way, hands on his ugly old hips, two feet higher than my head.
“Go play. Forget the Rabbit. You have other toys and blessings.”
“But no one wants that one! Why can't I help it?” I whined.
“Because I said no.”
“That's dumb! I don't play that way. You're not being fair.”
“Protecting someone elses property? Keeping you from stealing is unfair?”
“It wouldn't be stealing! I'd be helping.”
“Helping? Who? Yourself?”
“No...what? NO! The Rabbit!”
“Go home. Leave the Rabbit alone. I don't want to have to tell you again.” He was very firm and I couldn't love him, the hateful old angel. I dreamt of the Rabbit that night. A beautiful dream of him in my palace having tea and playing with my dolls under the apple tree. When I woke up my longing for it was worse. He didn't care.
“You don't need, or get, that Rabbit. I'll be firm with you till you exhaust your stubbornness.” His face was gentle, but ever so stern, so stony, I hated him. It was just a toy. I stamped my foot and climbed the tree alone. I watched the Rabbit that I wanted so much.
I don't know how to tell time, but I wanted that Rabbit forever! It just stayed there. I wanted it. I watched it. I told him off the next day. I was sick of it.
“I WANT THAT RABBIT! No one else does! No one else cares. They left it there for days! No girl is looking for it! I could have it! All the Rabbit does is look at me in the tree! It could join my friends and not be abandoned in a bush! But, NO! You won't let me! You keep me from it. If you wanted, you could make the Rabbit walk to me and save me the trouble, but you don't! You selfish, uncaring guardian! You won't fix it. You just make me miserable and I hate it! I'm so angry I could scream... AGGGGGHHHHH!!!”
He looked down at me and shrugged. “Feel better?”
“No!” but I did.
“Trust me yet?”
“Can I have the Rabbit?”
“No. Trust me on this.”
I didn't want to, but I did at the same time, while still envisioning myself with the Rabbit and how happy I could have been – with the beautiful rabbit in my arms.
Then one day, days after our fight, I heard my aunt talking to my mother. They sat on the front porch with lemonades and my mother said if I wouldn't go play, to sit on the step and be a lady. My aunt droned on til I heard her mention the house across the street.
“The house was vacated, it seems, very suddenly. I heard that the woman came and took her daughter in the middle of the night and left. Mrs. Arnes, the cleaning lady told me all the child's toys were left behind and the house in a state without telling the father. How dramatic! whisked off in the early morning, leaving everything behind. They say the little girl's favorite toy rabbit apparently was lost and the girl cried and cried because she couldn't find it and so it was left behind. Mrs. Arnes said she took it everywhere with her. It's all very tragic,” my aunt said.
“So many things broken and left and the little girl involved, oh how sad!” my mother sympathized. I didn't understand all they were saying, but I knew one thing. I was ashamed.
“I'm gonna go play.”
I ran to the tree and hid in its branches. I saw the Rabbit with new eyes. I saw myself with new disgust. Something in that house had broken and the mommy had taken the little girl away without her toys, belongings and she'd left her Rabbit in the bush. I had been angry over wanting a toy that belonged to a girl who no longer had her yard, home or palace of toys and friends. I still had everything and wanted what I couldn't have.
The Rabbit still looked at me, but now I saw it with pity. It had been left there and probably always would be. It probably still felt loyal to the girl that left him behind as well as hurt and betrayed. I no longer wanted the Rabbit so bad. I wanted to know the little girl. I wanted her to find her rabbit. I wanted the rabbit to be free.
He was sitting in the tree, just over me.
“Do you understand now?”
“Sort of. I am ashamed I got so angry. You knew all about this, didn't you?” I asked without accusations or anger.
“I know everything,” he said without conceit.
“Am I a terrible person?”
“You are human.”
“I still have to leave the Rabbit? We couldn't mail it to her?”
“The Rabbit and the girl are not your concern unless I tell you otherwise. Will you learn to trust me?”
“I do try. I just forget.”
“I know, dear heart,” he smiled and I knew how much he loved me. “But I have your ultimate best in mind. Maybe a Rabbit will be included, but not till I say so. Trust me.”
“You ask a lot of a little girl sometimes.” He chuckled.
“But no more than you are capable of.” I sighed deeply. It would take a bit to forget.
“Go play.”
“Okay.” I climbed down from the tree and ran to my palace of friends, who all greeted me with excitement and cheers.
1/2012
You see, I am just a little girl, foolish, impulsive, uncontrollable and flighty. My pinafore dress is usually grass stained and there is dirt under my fingernails and I always have a lesson to learn. This exact moment of dawning realization, was tough to take. You see, I take my dolls out to my backyard where I have a palace of white plywood and blue trim. There I imagine all sorts of drama in my head. The situations and relationships my small brain creates would impress Dr. Seuss and Dr. Freud. My stuffed bears, my dolls, and a horde of imagination, we inhabit every land and every world possible on our fanciful days of make-believe. There was no stopping us. Lunch is a necessary nourishment break and bedtime is merely a century in hyper-sleep. They all go with me, everywhere. So being made to understand reality, was a slap to the face. Let me start at the beginning.
One day I learned to climb a tree. The large maple tree on the side of my house was soon under my ruler-ship and I climbed as high as Mount Everest. I could see into all the neighbors' worlds now as fences no longer hid them from me. I partook of my new expanded world and there, just before deciding I was pleased and issuing forth a jungle cry, I saw him.
Most wouldn't have cared, but to a world traveler, like me, I saw how much there was still in him. It was a stuffed Rabbit, velvety brown with glass eyes that met mine straight across the expanses. He told me with his eyes, “Hello, save me and I'll be yours”.
My little heart beat so hard I could have sworn it had whispered close to my ear. I pushed my hair back from my eyes and planned, calculating everything. The forlorn, forgotten, glorious Rabbit was imprisoned in a healthy evergreen bush in the neighbors yard across their lawn, across the sidewalk, across the road, across our side walk and my front lawn. It would be difficult, no, a mission impossible to retrieve the Rabbit undetected before the wide picture window right behind the Rabbit.
I started to climb down, to take my prize when I heard a voice.
“You can't have that Rabbit.” I looked around and suddenly felt terribly guilty. Behind me “he” sat, cool and fresh as a salad. He had dark hair and eyes and wore white that never got dirty. Have you met him? Some haven't, but whenever I'm in trouble, he always interferes with my plans.
“Why not?” my chubby baby fingers made fists that I planted on my hips. He glowed as always, which is why he has a tan. Angels always have perfect tans from the light upstairs. I saw he wore his sword and knew he was going to fight me. He stood up to his full 7' 7” and stared down at me, shimmering in an intimidating way.
“Because I say so.”
“But I want it! He's so cute!!!”
“Leave the Rabbit where it is.” He left instantaneously without a sound or flash. He'd be back, I knew it. I would be ready. The next day all my friends and toys lay forgotten in the palace or on the grounds of my courtyard. I sat in the tree, watching the Rabbit, who watched me. I knew that if it had muscle and sinew it would have walked to me. He would have joined me in the tree as fast as a bunny can hop. I had just imagined crowning him the bunny prince in my court when “he” returned.
“Leave the Rabbit alone.”
“I'm not touching it.”
“You're dreaming about it.”
“So?” You can't hide things from him so I stuck my tongue out at him. He thought he could talk me down. When he left, I was grouchier than ever.
The next day he caught me in the front yard, trying to see the Rabbit from the ground. He stood right in my way, hands on his ugly old hips, two feet higher than my head.
“Go play. Forget the Rabbit. You have other toys and blessings.”
“But no one wants that one! Why can't I help it?” I whined.
“Because I said no.”
“That's dumb! I don't play that way. You're not being fair.”
“Protecting someone elses property? Keeping you from stealing is unfair?”
“It wouldn't be stealing! I'd be helping.”
“Helping? Who? Yourself?”
“No...what? NO! The Rabbit!”
“Go home. Leave the Rabbit alone. I don't want to have to tell you again.” He was very firm and I couldn't love him, the hateful old angel. I dreamt of the Rabbit that night. A beautiful dream of him in my palace having tea and playing with my dolls under the apple tree. When I woke up my longing for it was worse. He didn't care.
“You don't need, or get, that Rabbit. I'll be firm with you till you exhaust your stubbornness.” His face was gentle, but ever so stern, so stony, I hated him. It was just a toy. I stamped my foot and climbed the tree alone. I watched the Rabbit that I wanted so much.
I don't know how to tell time, but I wanted that Rabbit forever! It just stayed there. I wanted it. I watched it. I told him off the next day. I was sick of it.
“I WANT THAT RABBIT! No one else does! No one else cares. They left it there for days! No girl is looking for it! I could have it! All the Rabbit does is look at me in the tree! It could join my friends and not be abandoned in a bush! But, NO! You won't let me! You keep me from it. If you wanted, you could make the Rabbit walk to me and save me the trouble, but you don't! You selfish, uncaring guardian! You won't fix it. You just make me miserable and I hate it! I'm so angry I could scream... AGGGGGHHHHH!!!”
He looked down at me and shrugged. “Feel better?”
“No!” but I did.
“Trust me yet?”
“Can I have the Rabbit?”
“No. Trust me on this.”
I didn't want to, but I did at the same time, while still envisioning myself with the Rabbit and how happy I could have been – with the beautiful rabbit in my arms.
Then one day, days after our fight, I heard my aunt talking to my mother. They sat on the front porch with lemonades and my mother said if I wouldn't go play, to sit on the step and be a lady. My aunt droned on til I heard her mention the house across the street.
“The house was vacated, it seems, very suddenly. I heard that the woman came and took her daughter in the middle of the night and left. Mrs. Arnes, the cleaning lady told me all the child's toys were left behind and the house in a state without telling the father. How dramatic! whisked off in the early morning, leaving everything behind. They say the little girl's favorite toy rabbit apparently was lost and the girl cried and cried because she couldn't find it and so it was left behind. Mrs. Arnes said she took it everywhere with her. It's all very tragic,” my aunt said.
“So many things broken and left and the little girl involved, oh how sad!” my mother sympathized. I didn't understand all they were saying, but I knew one thing. I was ashamed.
“I'm gonna go play.”
I ran to the tree and hid in its branches. I saw the Rabbit with new eyes. I saw myself with new disgust. Something in that house had broken and the mommy had taken the little girl away without her toys, belongings and she'd left her Rabbit in the bush. I had been angry over wanting a toy that belonged to a girl who no longer had her yard, home or palace of toys and friends. I still had everything and wanted what I couldn't have.
The Rabbit still looked at me, but now I saw it with pity. It had been left there and probably always would be. It probably still felt loyal to the girl that left him behind as well as hurt and betrayed. I no longer wanted the Rabbit so bad. I wanted to know the little girl. I wanted her to find her rabbit. I wanted the rabbit to be free.
He was sitting in the tree, just over me.
“Do you understand now?”
“Sort of. I am ashamed I got so angry. You knew all about this, didn't you?” I asked without accusations or anger.
“I know everything,” he said without conceit.
“Am I a terrible person?”
“You are human.”
“I still have to leave the Rabbit? We couldn't mail it to her?”
“The Rabbit and the girl are not your concern unless I tell you otherwise. Will you learn to trust me?”
“I do try. I just forget.”
“I know, dear heart,” he smiled and I knew how much he loved me. “But I have your ultimate best in mind. Maybe a Rabbit will be included, but not till I say so. Trust me.”
“You ask a lot of a little girl sometimes.” He chuckled.
“But no more than you are capable of.” I sighed deeply. It would take a bit to forget.
“Go play.”
“Okay.” I climbed down from the tree and ran to my palace of friends, who all greeted me with excitement and cheers.
1/2012
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