Walls Go Up... And Down!
I remember building sand castles on the edge of the pool at Flandru
State Park. I'd dribble tall walls and towers. Or using Lincoln Logs to
build quaint cabins on the living room floor, rambling country
buildings. I also went through an age where I designed floor plans to
astronomically large mansions I would one day inhabit. I've been
building houses for a while. I walk through stores such as T.J. Maxx,
Pier One, IKEA, and Gordman's and plan my eventual apartment or home, with
plenty of shelf space. Building. I learned the hard way about building
walls.
Look around you. Are there walls around you? Can you remember the last time you felt real and at peace? Can you turn off the music and stand to be alone with yourself? It is very common for people to build up walls to protect themselves, to hide behind or to keep people out. Walls also keep God out. Go figure.
Some people build with paper, or matches, or cotton, coffee filters, glass, leaves, q-tips, cardboard, staples, or foil, etc. The common denominator with these materials is they are not very strong. Yet we like to think we have protected ourselves so well. We have insulated ourselves exclusively so that now we are cool, elite and posh, but in reality, we are alone. We have not enclosed a special world, but made ourselves recluse and unapproachable. Then we realize that we have made a house of fear and hurt to keep people away and in the process, pushed God away too. We also fear leaving our little building as much as we fear the outside.
You are stuck inside paper walls with no idea how to get out or even how to open the door. And then you blame God.
“Why did this happen? What the heck? You let this happen!!” I like to yell at God. It doesn't do much, but it does let some of the emotion out.
Yes. God let it happen. He lets every man-made plan happen. God does not touch free will. So the choice to shut oneself up for whatever reason is allowed. He even steps back and watches. Waiting for you to call. Screaming is not necessary, but after a long absence from God, we humans feel the need to yell across the imagined divide. Time away from our daddy upstairs make things strained, but he is right there the instant we call.
“So, “God”, what's the deal???”
“What do you not understand, Shaina?”
“I decided people weren't going to bug me anymore so I kicked them out of my space. But I'm all alone now!”
“Is that not what you wanted?”
“NO! I wanted no one in that would hurt me. I'm tired of being betrayed by people I trusted. Only trustworthy people were allowed in.”
“So how many people did you let in?”
“None.”
“So it is you and your trustworthy self and you wonder why you are alone?”
“Well I don't wonder at it cause I did it, but how come there are no real friends out there?”
“Every person is human, Shaina. They cannot all be perfect like you. Are you a trustworthy friend?”
“I think so...”
“When did you last call up a friend for the sake of being a friend?”
“I don't know...”
“So why do you complain when no one calls you...? Do you like the house you built yourself?”
“Not anymore. It's dank and gloomy.”
“Well you made it with Mortar of Depression so, go figure.”
“It's starting to smell too...”
“Anger and Resentment will start to smell like death after a while...”
“It's almost creepy. Like it's haunted too...”
“Bad Memories and Unforgiveness do not work the best for insulation, dear one.”
“So I built a bad house, eh?”
“What do you think? I have not talked with you in quite some time. Tell me about your abode here. I have not seen you since you finished construction.”
“Well, that side was built when I left my previous church...”
“Yes. I see a lot of memories there.”
“And that wall was built during high school when I was stressed and hated my life...”
“You do tend to carry a lot.”
“The roof I made from Sore Relationships. The little things people do that hurt and fester, but I didn't realize that till the ceiling was already dripping pus.”
“Poor material selection or bad wear and tear do you say?”
“Enough with “Mr. Dumb” already.”
“You are catching on...” - his smile was evident. “What of the windows?”
“I didn't have anything transparent around so I just put Grudge shutters up. They don't budge or open so it's kind of dark most days.”
“Other walls of betrayal, hurt feelings, uncertainties, immaturity, isolation, imagination, stubbornness, and plain soul deep fear. You have been busy to say the least, my dear. Quite a lot went into the construction for all its not being very sound.”
“I know. I worked hard on it.”
“You always do. Now, what is your plan?”
“I don't have one.”
“Extraordinary. Am I allowed to make a suggestion?”
“Sure. Why not.”
“Maybe you should live outside.”
“Outside???”
“Fresh air, gentle rains, lovely breezes, perfect sunshine, a few clouds shaped like animals, some storms but always... free... always freedom.”
“What about my house???”
“What of it, dear heart?”
“What would I do with it?
“We could burn it, Shaina.”
“Burn the house I spent so many years building?? Are you nuts?!?”
“Shaina, does it have any worth? Does it profit you? Are you better because you have it and live in it?”
“...no...”
“Then let it go.”
I answer.
“I'm not sure how.”
“May I help you?”
“Will it hurt?”
“Most likely.”
“Is it worth it?”
“That is up to you. You could always build again if you really wanted. But is freedom worth a try?”
“What do I do?”
“Take my hand.”
Paper isn't worth much against an unstoppable force. Imagine a balloon being inflated so as to fill a room completely. Easily, four walls with tightly shuttered windows fall to the four winds. The flimsy roof blows away and all that is left is a door standing upright still. You can see all around the door and it is breathtaking. Hillsides with flowers, valleys with streams, blossoms of every color raise their heads to the gloriously blue sky.
“Open the door. Go on out.”
“I'm scared.”
“Naturally.”
“So, I'm supposed to be scared?”
“Humans always fear the unknown. It is what you do with that fear that is character. Control it. Refuse it, ask for help in facing it. People deal in many ways.”
“What works for others?”
“What matters is what are you going to make work for you?”
“So I just open the door and go outside.”
“Yes...”
“Will I get hurt?”
“Undoubtedly.”
“How can you be so suave and careless about my being hurt? That's so not helpful!”
“Child! It hurts me as much as you when you are harmed. I feel every pain as you do. But pain sometimes teaches you so much and sometimes is worth it... in the end.”
“So it'll be worth it?”
“That is up to you.”
“Will you be with me?”
“I always have been.”
“So where were you when I was alone in this house???”
“You did not let me in. I cannot force myself in. I wait for an invitation. Call me old-fashioned if you like.”
“I guess I did kick you out, didn't I?”
“Yes, you did Squirt.”
“I didn't mean to.”
“I know. Now, open the door.”
“But...”
“Just open the door, Shaina!!!”
“Okay...”
The little huts of hurt we make are pretty pathetic and insignificant compared to the freedom of living free. I torched my house. I encourage you to do the same. Freedom outside walls is precious. The hurts of life come and go daily, but I'm letting it all go. And the beauty of the world around me is majestically better. Take down your walls. Live free.
Summer 2010
Look around you. Are there walls around you? Can you remember the last time you felt real and at peace? Can you turn off the music and stand to be alone with yourself? It is very common for people to build up walls to protect themselves, to hide behind or to keep people out. Walls also keep God out. Go figure.
Some people build with paper, or matches, or cotton, coffee filters, glass, leaves, q-tips, cardboard, staples, or foil, etc. The common denominator with these materials is they are not very strong. Yet we like to think we have protected ourselves so well. We have insulated ourselves exclusively so that now we are cool, elite and posh, but in reality, we are alone. We have not enclosed a special world, but made ourselves recluse and unapproachable. Then we realize that we have made a house of fear and hurt to keep people away and in the process, pushed God away too. We also fear leaving our little building as much as we fear the outside.
You are stuck inside paper walls with no idea how to get out or even how to open the door. And then you blame God.
“Why did this happen? What the heck? You let this happen!!” I like to yell at God. It doesn't do much, but it does let some of the emotion out.
Yes. God let it happen. He lets every man-made plan happen. God does not touch free will. So the choice to shut oneself up for whatever reason is allowed. He even steps back and watches. Waiting for you to call. Screaming is not necessary, but after a long absence from God, we humans feel the need to yell across the imagined divide. Time away from our daddy upstairs make things strained, but he is right there the instant we call.
“So, “God”, what's the deal???”
“What do you not understand, Shaina?”
“I decided people weren't going to bug me anymore so I kicked them out of my space. But I'm all alone now!”
“Is that not what you wanted?”
“NO! I wanted no one in that would hurt me. I'm tired of being betrayed by people I trusted. Only trustworthy people were allowed in.”
“So how many people did you let in?”
“None.”
“So it is you and your trustworthy self and you wonder why you are alone?”
“Well I don't wonder at it cause I did it, but how come there are no real friends out there?”
“Every person is human, Shaina. They cannot all be perfect like you. Are you a trustworthy friend?”
“I think so...”
“When did you last call up a friend for the sake of being a friend?”
“I don't know...”
“So why do you complain when no one calls you...? Do you like the house you built yourself?”
“Not anymore. It's dank and gloomy.”
“Well you made it with Mortar of Depression so, go figure.”
“It's starting to smell too...”
“Anger and Resentment will start to smell like death after a while...”
“It's almost creepy. Like it's haunted too...”
“Bad Memories and Unforgiveness do not work the best for insulation, dear one.”
“So I built a bad house, eh?”
“What do you think? I have not talked with you in quite some time. Tell me about your abode here. I have not seen you since you finished construction.”
“Well, that side was built when I left my previous church...”
“Yes. I see a lot of memories there.”
“And that wall was built during high school when I was stressed and hated my life...”
“You do tend to carry a lot.”
“The roof I made from Sore Relationships. The little things people do that hurt and fester, but I didn't realize that till the ceiling was already dripping pus.”
“Poor material selection or bad wear and tear do you say?”
“Enough with “Mr. Dumb” already.”
“You are catching on...” - his smile was evident. “What of the windows?”
“I didn't have anything transparent around so I just put Grudge shutters up. They don't budge or open so it's kind of dark most days.”
“Other walls of betrayal, hurt feelings, uncertainties, immaturity, isolation, imagination, stubbornness, and plain soul deep fear. You have been busy to say the least, my dear. Quite a lot went into the construction for all its not being very sound.”
“I know. I worked hard on it.”
“You always do. Now, what is your plan?”
“I don't have one.”
“Extraordinary. Am I allowed to make a suggestion?”
“Sure. Why not.”
“Maybe you should live outside.”
“Outside???”
“Fresh air, gentle rains, lovely breezes, perfect sunshine, a few clouds shaped like animals, some storms but always... free... always freedom.”
“What about my house???”
“What of it, dear heart?”
“What would I do with it?
“We could burn it, Shaina.”
“Burn the house I spent so many years building?? Are you nuts?!?”
“Shaina, does it have any worth? Does it profit you? Are you better because you have it and live in it?”
“...no...”
“Then let it go.”
I answer.
“I'm not sure how.”
“May I help you?”
“Will it hurt?”
“Most likely.”
“Is it worth it?”
“That is up to you. You could always build again if you really wanted. But is freedom worth a try?”
“What do I do?”
“Take my hand.”
Paper isn't worth much against an unstoppable force. Imagine a balloon being inflated so as to fill a room completely. Easily, four walls with tightly shuttered windows fall to the four winds. The flimsy roof blows away and all that is left is a door standing upright still. You can see all around the door and it is breathtaking. Hillsides with flowers, valleys with streams, blossoms of every color raise their heads to the gloriously blue sky.
“Open the door. Go on out.”
“I'm scared.”
“Naturally.”
“So, I'm supposed to be scared?”
“Humans always fear the unknown. It is what you do with that fear that is character. Control it. Refuse it, ask for help in facing it. People deal in many ways.”
“What works for others?”
“What matters is what are you going to make work for you?”
“So I just open the door and go outside.”
“Yes...”
“Will I get hurt?”
“Undoubtedly.”
“How can you be so suave and careless about my being hurt? That's so not helpful!”
“Child! It hurts me as much as you when you are harmed. I feel every pain as you do. But pain sometimes teaches you so much and sometimes is worth it... in the end.”
“So it'll be worth it?”
“That is up to you.”
“Will you be with me?”
“I always have been.”
“So where were you when I was alone in this house???”
“You did not let me in. I cannot force myself in. I wait for an invitation. Call me old-fashioned if you like.”
“I guess I did kick you out, didn't I?”
“Yes, you did Squirt.”
“I didn't mean to.”
“I know. Now, open the door.”
“But...”
“Just open the door, Shaina!!!”
“Okay...”
The little huts of hurt we make are pretty pathetic and insignificant compared to the freedom of living free. I torched my house. I encourage you to do the same. Freedom outside walls is precious. The hurts of life come and go daily, but I'm letting it all go. And the beauty of the world around me is majestically better. Take down your walls. Live free.
Summer 2010
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